cont.
Friday, December 25, 2009
PART 2: The first inkling of ‘ok this show doesn’t make sense’ was during a scene where Bella cuts herself and then her boyfriends brother decides he needs to kill her, so he rushes at Bella in a pretty nifty bullet time scene. Ok peoples pop quiz, if your beloved is being rushed by a madman what is your next logical step?
Is it
a) Put yourself between crazy madman and your beloved and get ready to do a takedown and chokehold
b) Counter Rush the crazy madman and subdue him, doing a 3 hit combo to the neck, groin and back of the head. Proceed to tie him up hogstyle afterwards.
c) Push your loved one across the room with your superhuman strength and make her land ass first into a glass table.
If you chose A or B congratulations you are normal. If you think option C is a valid option then let me break it down for you what Edward just did. Crazy man is going to kill my girlfriend. I will now push her really hard in the ribs so she flies across the room, and get cut up really badly as she lands and breaks the glass table, this will serve another purpose in which there is now no one between her and the crazy madman, and she will be dazed so even she won’t be able to put up a struggle, ‘this is a great plan’ Edward thinks to himself ‘you are so smart’. What was even more laughable was the fact that it was unnecessary to push her, because Edward after flinging Bella across the room and really should have broken 6 of her ribs then turns and grabs his brother and flings him away onto the piano. This is like if you were taking your dog out for a walk and as you came back into the house, you realise you didn’t swing the door open far enough and the door is swinging close and it’s about to crush the head of your dog, you then proceed to drop kick your pooch 30 metres back into the front yard our of the way of the closing door and then stop the door from closing further with your hands.
Edward then decides because of this incident He can’t be with Bella. Read: My brother doesn’t like/wants to kill you, so I’m breaking up with you. Why would you do that for? You’ve been wandering around for 109 years presumably alone? (I doubt that Edward had no loves before but for the sake of the love story lets assume so) and suddenly this woman comes along, you guys obviously like each other, you’ve expressed it 900 times already, then you decide to up and leave? 109 years and only NOW you realise you can’t be with a human because of the ill discipline of your brother??? You realise that the woman you love can’t be in the same room as your brother and therefore we’ll call off the relationship.? Grow up! Move out! I’m sure Edward’s brother would understand. There’s a hundred better options, but hey lets settle on “Our entire family is now going to move away”. I’ve seen more 18 year olds take better responsibility and make better decisions then you Edward.
So as you can tell I’m still pondering where is all the excitement coming from??
So the Cullens move away, and later on we see Edward living away from the family anyway, errrr couldn’t you have done that with Bella in the first place and not have to force your entire family to up and leave? Picture one of your siblings doing this… “Mum, Dad, Brothers, Sisters, Aunties and Uncles and all you In laws, I can’t be with Susan down the road, so can you all migrate to Albania and I’ll head to Sydney. We’ll meet at least once a year for Christmas. Thanks guys really appreciate it“. Seriously.
Anyway within a few months of Edward moving out Bella decides not to shower and watches her dad do all the household chores for months then once she’s had enough of that she looks at her list of guys she could date and we find Bella starting to seduce Jacob, this was quite upsetting for me because here all along I was led to believe that Bella was totally in love with Edward even to the point that she would give up her human life to be with him forever, and so would wait till circumstances changed….turns out I was wrong…. Guess I read too deeply into the 2348 times Bella and Edward expressed and showed how much they “loved” each other. So Bella starts putting the moves on Jacob, which I was pretty horrified about, I mean sure Edward is not the smartest guy going around but surely after all that He’s done for you the least you could do is wait for at least another 8 months before giving your affections to another?? No can do Bella? Not such a nice person worthy of strong emotional ties, except contempt and disgust? Okie dokie then.
But back to my journey…time: approximately 1:30am…
…Within an hour of the movie I realise i'm watching romeo and juliet except with werewolves and vampires instead of montague and capulet, every 3 minutes there is at least someone in the scene declaring how they will always love the other or how they will never leave and want to be around forever, i think i even saw the janitor in the canteen scene profess to the lunch lady his undying love for her, anyway i look at my iPhone and cringe thinking i'm only half way through this and whether or not playing doodle jump and yelling randomly as my guy fell to oblivion would annoy others around me, i decide it would, so i take a few quick successive inhale, exhales not much unlike a weight lifter - who is just about to lift the heaviest set of weights that he’s attempted and thinks to himself this is going to hurt - i put my iphone back onto my lap and stare back at the screen thinking 'Ok Meyers give me your best shot!'
Turns out Meyers has a few tricky moves up her sleeves to make me react strongly, not in a good way mind you, not like in a Happy Gilmore touch down 'that is so awesome' I love this showwwwwwwwwwww kinda way, but more like a 'I'm sorry dood, but your pet hamster, hammichoochoo some how managed to get out of its cage and run into the automated paper shredder' kinda way....yeah that feeling...yeah thaaaat feeling.
So like the name's Sarah; 31071995.
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